too quick

The weekend we have been waiting for 2 months for has come and gone. In a blink of an eye.

One moment we're holding hands, laughing, being silly, kissing, etc. etc.

The next, I'm driving him to the airport. Tracking his flight back home.

Wishing I were going back with him.

or he were staying with me.

It's official...

This is NOT an adventure.


I am lost.

totally.
fucking.
lost.

Acting my age

Just 2 more days in my 40's. 2 more days to be middle age.

Then ... I'm old.

AARP is already hawking their services. I'm wondering when I'll start heading to Hometown Buffet at 4:30. Wonder when I'll start driving slow. Wonder when I'll go to bed before 9:00.

(never, damn it!)

Cuteness

quiet

I've allowed myself peace and quiet this weekend. A non-stress, non-guilt weekend. No fretting or second guessing decisions, no overwhelming financial worries, no depressed covers over the head feeling.

Saturday, I opened the windows and doors and let the cool front that was blowing through blow right through my apartment. I read, slept, watched a couple of chick flicks, and read some more. It almost felt like an Oklahoma college football fall day.

Sunday I walked in the woods, smelled the leaves, listened to the birds, the hooting of an owl hiding somewhere in the canopy. Looked at the beautiful swirl patterns in the duckweed floating on the lake just off shore.

Spied a fawn just a few feet off the trail, nibbling leaves, not one bit afraid of the people walking by. As I stood watching, I was aware of the others passing me, deep in their conversations, not seeing this creature, engrossed in their own lives.

Eh, I'm that way too. But the Stardude has a way about observing the smallest of things that has rubbed off on me. Now I take the time to look at the small, unsuspecting, seemingly insignificant, beautiful things around me.

Tomorrow is Monday - just 4 days until my trip back to Tucson, and a ride up the ski lift :)

and the winner is...

I'm sitting in my car at the convenience store after my hike, having a snack of beef jerky and coffee. (I know! Right?)

Out of the corner of my eye I see a flash of white approaching the door of the store. When I look up, I can't believe what I see! I grab my camera and wait.
Wait for it... wait for it...wait...

And there she is! Dressed in full-on beauty pageant regalia! Crown, sash and all!

All hail Miss Big Gulp!

Move over Kelly Clarkson

Today I finished up the pre-press work on a magazine we've been putting together at my company. There is a section of photos of scholarship recipients, six pages of postage size, carelessly scanned photos, some that look like they had been carried around in a 3-year old's chocolate covered fist before being turned in for submission.

So needless to say, I've spent a lot of time photoshopping out creases, dust specs, fingerprints on these 18 year olds' fresh faces, getting close and personal with each grad, pores and all.

It is so tempting to touch up the bushy brows, erase the random pimple. Or go even further and whiten teeth, or center that slightly crossed eye. There's also the dilemma - is that a mole or a dust spec from the scanner.

But I do the minimum needed to make them printable and move on. Sorry kids. I have a deadline.

mourning a loss

I had to let go. Without a final goodbye. All I have to remember you by is this one blurry photo. Now, there such an empty spot and the replacement is just not the same.

goodbye favorite painting... Haley, please take very good care of it.)

"no speaka the english"

I get a written note from the receptionist that a "Wanda" from a software company called. When I was asking her about it, she kept saying "he" was hard to understand. Finally I realized his name is Juan. (diversity is fairly new here in these parts.)

yay

My daughter and her boyfriend are driving through tomorrow - finishing up their epic road trip from Redding, CA to Knoxville. They're even staying the night, so I'll get to spoil them for a bit with a home cooked meal.

It also looks like the free plane tickets to Tucson/Phoenix are going to come through so I can go play Labor Day weekend.

Yay indeed.

oh bother

I am a girl. Sometimes a girly-girl, lover of all things shiny, silky, smelly.

Other times, I'm a redneck girl, drinker of beer, queen of cussing and dirty jokes.

Sometimes, I'm a lover, immersed in all things sexual.

Most of the time, I'm a mom, a silly mom, sympathetic, listening, hounding my kids about calling me, travelling across the country just to spend a few hours with them two, three times a year, reminding them of their dad's birthday even though we've been divorced for 10 years and the kids are 24 and 26, sending them money when they need it, sending them care packages when they don't, loving them unconditionally through every situation imaginable.

My integrity has come into question for all the wrong reasons. I can do little to defend it.

But I know me.
And these two know me.
That's what counts.

ehh

I have allowed myself to nothing today. And I do mean absolutely nothing.

This is the first weekend since I moved that I'm not unpacking, running errands, preparing for company, entertaining, etc. Without specific tasks and goals, I have just let the day go by without doing anything worthwhile other than walking Mojo.

Sunday - I so dislike this day.

Crazy...

Think I'll get a little wild this Saturday night ...

and make a second pot of coffee...

at 9:45pm.

and read.

Don't ya wish you had my life?

So, where was I...

Oh yeah -
So I made a trip to the Nashville Farmer's Market today. Picked up some delicious heirloom tomatoes. The farmer working the booth was great - telling me the different characteristics of the varieties. I chose a Pineapple variety, fat and yellow and yummy sweet. Two others that I don't remember the names. I also picked up some fairy eggplants that I want to use in a recipe I saw on Npt - Eggplants, green tomatoes, jalapenos ... Also a couple of ears of sweet corn. And some zucchini.

And a peach.

Paranoia

I'm a nice person. A funny, decent woman (really)with 2 grown kids who I absolutely adore and have missed greatly during my 5 years in Phoenix. (That was the catalyst for me moving to Nashville, to get closer to my daughter in Knoxville.) And one Stardude love who is now almost 2,000 miles away, who I absolutely adore as well. I don't pretend to be anyone but myself.

I have loved reading a certain blog through the past 4 years. I always felt an odd connection with her interests - her love of gardening, reading, painting, your love of the sea. Thinking to myself ... yes! that's me!

I'm sorry you feel my reading your blog is an intrusion. I'm sorry you don't believe that I am me. But I have done nothing wrong. I have just read your blog, because I enjoy your words.
And this shouldn't matter to me. you're just a blogger. a mean, paranoid blogger.

but it does.

circus side show

I have new glasses - my first in 5 years. I can no longer get by by just taking off my glasses to read. I now have bifocals. Looking straight ahead, things are clear and crisp. But other views are a bit tricky. Walking is an adventure. The ground below me seems to move in odd ways. More than a few times have I caught myself trying to step up the non existent curb or have to pause and steady myself as the earth seems to drop away from me.

But I look hot.

,

lost again

Walking down the hallway at the office, with a fresh cup of coffee, staring at the floor. I look up, and for a brief second, I am confused, not recognizing where I am.

(that frightens the hell out of me.)

farewell

Friday, we had a going away luncheon for a woman who is our HR/accountant. The ultimate farewell. After battling cancer for years, she was told a week ago there was nothing more that could be done. She has been given 6 -8 weeks.

So we all brought our favorite casseroles, our favorite desserts. It tasted very much like a meal after a funeral, old-recipe casseroles, comfort food, starch, sour cream, cheese, loads of potatoes and all topped crispy canned fried onion rings.

As awkward and tough as it was, I guess you could view it as a gift to have the chance to be able to say goodbye to friends in such a way.

Or you could say the whole situation sucks.

time

Ok, the pity party is over. I've slept on it. I need to make this work for me. I refuse to be miserable - that's not in my genes. (or whatever.)

Going in to work and being the bitch that I am usually not.

breathing ...

Breathe...
I'm having issues dealing with life tonight.

Breathe...
I gave up a lot in this search for home, trying to replicate the feeling of place that I had in my little house and gardens in Oklahoma 4 years ago.

Breathe...
I'm realizing that this is not the place. I am searching for something that no longer exists. My children are grown. I doubt if I'll ever own my home again. My new job is not what I had hoped.

Breathe...
But, most distressing, is how I've changed my most important relationship.

Breathe...
I need my Stardude. And now he's 2000 miles away.

Breathe...Breathe...

sheesh

I'm having a bit of trouble holding it together today. Missing the stardude immensely. Frustrated with the work process. Overwhelmed with the nothingness.

Maybe doing laundry will help.

Did I tell you

I'm not a writer. (eh - I really didn't have to tell you that, you could tell pretty quick, I'm sure.)

But - I have thoughts, observations, glimpses, small moments, big moments ... and sometimes I just want, need to say something. For myself.

I am a painter. Sometimes, anyway.

Mostly, I'm just wandering and wondering. (A bit lost, you might say.)

observation

Everyday, at my new office, as I drink my first cup of coffee to get my day started, I watch out my second floor window as the parade of people arrive for their appointments in the medical building next door.

The majority seem to be the morbidly obese. They rarely come unassisted, their cars, vans especially equipped to handle their extra weight. There's also the elderly, brought in by their sons, daughters, sometimes an equally elderly spouse, steadying them as they shuffle to the door. And then, fewer by far, the moms, pulling the stroller out for a child.

Lately, there have been a few seemingly high school age girls with neck braces and casts, their dad carrying crutches, following the nurse-driven wheel chairs to the cars. I can't help but wonder, cheerleading catastrophe? Driving and texting?

Then, in striking contrast, the well suited, perfect shoes, perfect hair, perfect body weight individuals, getting out of their cars, popping the trunk and pulling out the briefcase on wheels. The pharmaceutical salesmen and women with their trunkfulls of pills and other meds that the obese, the elderly, the babies, the injured will be sent home with.

And I go get a second cup of coffee.

memories

I miss the touches...
Interlacing fingers as we walk,
a guiding touch at the small of my back as we move through a crowd,
the searching touch in the heat of the moment,
the reassuring touch combined with kisses on my shoulder when we roll over in our sleep,
briefly waking with a sigh,
I sink myself into your arms and fall back to sleep.
yeah - I miss this.

lordy lordy

I'm not in Kansas ... or Phoenix anymore.

just wondering

What the fuck have I done?

moving day

My time in Phoenix is drawing to a close. Only a couple of weeks and I take off for Tennessee. Green, rain, closer to my daughter, new challenges, new adventures.

And I just can't quite get excited. I'm leaving a lot behind.

Maybe too much.

nagging questions

Everything is out. Everyone knows. The office, the family, my significant other. But the angst is still there. That tiny voice - "Will Nashville be right for me?" "Will I find my liberal niche?" "Will the church goers be too much for me to take?" "Will there be enough art?" "Will I get sick of country music?" "Will the sushi be any good?"

Mother's Day

"And then while you children were little, why, I was the center of your worlds! I was everything to you! It was Mother this and Mother that, and 'Where's Mother? Where's she gone to?' and the moment you came in from school, 'Mother? Are you home?' It's not fair. It's really not fair; now I'm old and I walk along unnoticed, just like anyone else."

note to self...

"Who is that?" I ask myself, listening to the strangely familiar voice on my answering machine. Oh crap, its me calling me to remind myself not to forget something.

damn it.

runaway wish list

1. The Sylvia Beach Hotel, Newport, Oregon- I just want to sink myself in one of the overstuffed sofas on the 3rd floor library that overlooks the beach and do nothing but read and drink coffee.

2. Bisbee, Arizona - Casa de Alegria to be exact, a small colorful place, high up on the hill, quiet, artsy-eclectic community. Canvas, paint, music, wine. That's all. (But I will make sure to ask how to turn on the heater this time.)

Bits and Pieces

I need to say something, to write something important, to get stuff out. Stuff that tumbles in my head, stuff that's gone in a day, in hours, sometimes minutes. gah.

oooh shiny!